When Wife Is Ill: Marriage Struggles Intensify, Study Reveals
In 2021, Jennifer Whitlock tied the knot with her spouse, Ronnie Whitlock, in a countryside setting in Texas just weeks following his diagnosis with stage 4 blood cancer.
She mentioned that they had discussed marriage before he fell ill, but it ultimately boiled down to practical matters: Her employer would not provide Whitlock family leave unless they were formally married.
"That was clearly not what I had envisioned for my wedding day," Whitlock stated.
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Over the following year, Whitlock managed to juggle her full-time job alongside looking after her husband. "They could never fully return to their normal relationship," she mentioned. Despite some positive moments, Whitlock recounted speaking with her mother almost daily and often weeping. Seeking solace, she began attending therapy sessions to cope with both the sorrow and strain of tending to the partner she cherished as he gradually declined. Ronnie Whitlock passed away in March 2022.
I had deep feelings for him," Whitlock stated. "And I was certain that if our situations were reversed, he would react similarly towards me.
That isn’t always true.
Even though numerous pairs manage to overcome tough periods, once an individual becomes unwell, their significant other often assumes additional duties. The psychological strain from being a caregiver, changes in domestic tasks distribution, economic pressures, along with the emotional pain of seeing someone they love deteriorate can be overwhelming for certain individuals. The pledge "for better or worse" does not always prove resilient under such circumstances—especially so if the female spouse is afflicted, suggests a new research finding.
In February, Italian researchers published a new report In the "Journal of Marriage and Family," researchers examined the likelihood of divorce among elderly European couples over the age of 50. They discovered that within partnerships involving individuals between 50 and 64 years old, there was an elevated chance of separation if the wife described her own health as subpar or noted significant physical constraints, provided the husband remained healthy. This increased risk didn’t occur similarly for situations where the male partner claimed poorer health status or had substantial functional impairments.
One of the Italian researchers involved in writing the report, Giammarico Alderotti, stated that caregiving stress "holds the primary importance" in this scenario. This is particularly true when a caregiver’s spouse suffers from significant health problems or disabilities necessitating considerable care.
"One of the two individuals, the healthier one, must entirely transform their lifestyle and daily routines," Alderotti stated.
A 2009 study published by the American Cancer Society found divorce rates among patients with cancer and multiple sclerosis weren't generally high, but that divorce rates among female patients were significantly higher than male patients. In 88% of the divorces reported in that study, the woman was the ill partner.
The research additionally revealed that patients who remained married tended to have better outcomes across the board, whereas those who became separated showed increased consumption of antidepressant medications, lower involvement in clinical studies, higher rates of hospitalization, and various other adverse effects.
Family caregivers play an incredibly important role, and patients who lack partners or caregivers tend to have poorer outcomes, according to them. Dr. Arif Kamal The individual serving as the chief patient officer for the American Cancer Society thinks that cancer treatment should encompass care for the patient’s partner. This perspective is particularly relevant because cancer diagnoses are increasingly occurring among younger individuals, and advancements in therapies have led to higher survival rates among those affected by cancer.
I believe that having cancer doesn't necessarily mean relationships will become tense," Kamal stated. "Instead, I see it as an opportunity for us to view the cancer experience as a collective path. We've often described this process over numerous years as one primarily belonging to the patient with just someone else playing the role of a supporting caregiver.
A 2015 study featured in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior revealed that marriages tended to dissolve more often when wives fell ill compared to when husbands became sick; however, this research was withdrawn due to a programming mistake And subsequently revised and rereleased. This has raised doubts about the authenticity of this occurrence.
Lena Nguyen, a family law attorney in Texas, mentioned that in her experience, she has observed an increase in divorces where the cause was the wife becoming sick rather than the husband, although every case presents distinct circumstances.
I believe society has an influence on this," Nguyen stated. "Women are typically designated as the main caretakers. When these roles switch, I think couples find it very challenging to adapt.
Both of them have cancer. Currently, they are going through a divorce.
What happens if both spouses in a marriage receive cancer diagnoses?
This occurred with Jamil Rivers and Fredric Rivers, a New Jersey-based couple who have three children.
In high school, Frederic Rivers received a diagnosis of liver disease; however, symptoms did not appear until he turned 28. By then, he and Jamil Rivers had been in a relationship for several years and shared a home. Frederic underwent a liver transplant in 2009, followed by their marriage two years later in 2011. Shortly after, eight months post-marriage, he learned he also had colon cancer. Then, in 2018, Jamil Rivers was found to have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. The following year, in 2019, Frederic Rivers faced yet another challenge when he was diagnosed with kidney cancer.
The Rivers family has caught the attention of various news organizations throughout the years, spreading a tale of hope and love. A 2019 piece from People magazine Jamil Rivers stated, "We reassure ourselves that we are fortunate in certain aspects and that we shall overcome this challenge. Family is everything."
However, in April, the pair informed USA TODAY about their decision to part ways and mentioned that they barely interacted face-to-face for nearly ten months, even though they were residing under the same roof. Fredric Rivers took up residence in the basement, and from June onwards, most of their communication occurred via email and text messages.
Jamil Rivers served as the primary provider for their household throughout her battle with cancer and during her chemotherapy sessions. Meanwhile, Fredric Rivers managed to work sporadically despite his illness but also received disability benefits. According to Jamil Rivers, she took care of her husband’s needs whenever he required assistance, even amidst her own health struggles. She mentioned that nobody had been looking after her well-being at this time.
“I didn’t want him burdened with worrying about my needs; that’s how I justified it back then,” she explained. “And so, even though he was simply there for support, he believed he was being helpful.”
Fredric Rivers expressed similar sentiments regarding his spouse, noting that although she was present in body, she wasn’t available emotionally. He mentioned that individuals interpret “being supportive” differently. According to him, he would massage her back when she was ill, transport her to various medical visits and treatments, and reassure her of her beauty following hair loss from chemotherapy.
"I went to great lengths to ensure she was doing well and had all the necessary support to thrive. Eventually, I came to terms with accepting whatever level of involvement she could offer; that would suffice for me,” he stated.
Kamal mentioned that marital issues frequently stem from differing values and priorities when facing a cancer diagnosis. While one spouse could be focused on practical matters such as scheduling appointments, managing medications, and planning further treatments, the other may ponder broader implications, including shifts in family relationships due to the disease. According to him, both partners might shy away from difficult discussions around end-of-life scenarios should the ill individual pass away. This avoidance can widen the gap between them, making their battle against cancer take precedence over nurturing their partnership.
Jamil Rivers and Fredric Rivers both stated that their marriage faced challenges beyond just their medical conditions.
Granted, these factors certainly added stress and did nothing to improve the situation," said Fredric Rivers. "However, we likely would have reached this point regardless, whether or not we had been diagnosed with cancer.
What does 'cancer ghosting' mean? Providing support for spouses and other family caregivers is essential.
People who are ill require caregivers. Furthermore, being a caregiver can be “extremely emotionally draining,” according to Whitlock.
Whitlock stated, "Others might say, 'You're so resilient,' 'You're so courageous.' But when it happens to you, you don't see yourself that way. Instead, you simply wake up each day and continue with the tasks at hand."
Partners caring for sick spouses require safeguarding in their workplaces, access to paid family leave, and typically more guidance on managing caregiving responsibilities, according to Nguyen. Additionally, both the healthcare sector and those involved in care-giving ought to engage in further discussions about how these duties affect marital relationships. Whitlock mentioned discovering a position at Guardant Health which provided superior benefits for caretakers; she also highlighted finding substantial assistance via various Facebook groups designed for caregivers and individuals battling cancer.
"I believe that numerous partners underestimate the emotional strain it can impose on them until they find themselves immersed in the situation," Nguyen stated.
This is why Kamal involves the partners of his cancer patients in discussions regarding their treatment and overall quality of life. According to him, it’s quite typical for issues related to relationships to surface during these talks, since financial difficulties, diminished sexual intimacy, and weakened emotional bonds often arise when one mate falls sick. The partner who takes on the role of caring frequently experiences an ongoing pressure to remain strong throughout this period, which may extend over many years.
Kamal mentioned that simultaneously, individuals close to the couple—such as friends, relatives, colleagues, and other acquaintances—"may have progressed." He refers to this phenomenon as "cancer ghosting.” Initially, patients could experience significant social backing; however, as others become disinterested or less connected over time, these individuals may sense being left behind.
Kamal mentioned that caregivers experience being ignored as well. Initially, they may receive ample support following the diagnosis of their loved ones, including meals from community members and opportunities to talk things through with friends. However, these gestures tend to decrease significantly over time.
Include divorce, as “that expanded network of social support often falls apart,” stated Ann Gold Buscho, a clinical psychologist.
A psychologist advises against making major choices when facing a health emergency.
Buscho mentioned that she has assisted numerous clients with both divorce proceedings and illnesses. She noted that divorces often come with feelings of guilt and resentment, and when an additional layer of sickness is introduced, it turns into a moral quandary, particularly for those not affected by the illness.
“If you find yourself in an unsatisfactory marriage where issues have become apparent, and subsequently receive a diagnosis, society tends to believe that your decision to leave stems from this medical condition,” she explained. However, prior to the illness, there might have been various distressing or potentially harmful situations within the relationship, such as instances of physical or emotional mistreatment.”
Buscho suggested that outside of an abusive relationship, partners of newly diagnosed individuals should engage in some introspection regarding their expectations, limits, and ability to offer support to their partner.
"An impulsive choice would be a significant error," Buscho stated.
According to Buscho, when one partner in a relationship receives a diagnosis of cancer or another serious illness, they ought to discuss various aspects together. These discussions might cover financial matters as well as how their children will be affected at home. Questions such as "How will this change our daily routine?" "Is downsizing necessary?" and "Should we consider therapy for support?" often arise. Additionally, identifying available resources and assistance becomes crucial during these challenging times.
Buscho mentioned that the pair also needs to discuss supporting the caregiving spouse as well. burnout It is widespread among family caregivers, and occasionally they experience some embarrassment about asking for help.
"Unless they receive the necessary support, they cannot be effective caregivers," Buscho stated.
'Numerous women emerge from this much stronger.'
Nguyen mentioned that certain clients became aware of their desire for a divorce when dealing with health problems, often because of how they were treated during their illnesses. They pursued divorce once they had recovered physically.
She stated that divorce following an illness is always "extremely heart wrenching."
I also feel that it presents a fresh chance and an opportunity to reshape your life according to your own conditions,” Nguyen stated. “I genuinely believe that numerous women emerge from such experiences much stronger. It makes them recognize their inner fortitude. They grow increasingly self-reliant, and I often observe that many of my clients experience a rejuvenated sense of direction in their lives.
Jamil Rivers has experienced this regained power.
When Frederic Rivers informed her about wanting a divorce, she mentioned that she attempted to salvage their relationship for some time; however, she sensed that he had already become emotionally detached from their marriage.
She mentioned that she believes the cancer was not related to it.
The divorce hit her finances hard, akin to a grenade explosion, she mentioned. Recently, she has fallen behind on both her house and car payments. Nevertheless, she stated, "having cancer brings clarity," and this experience taught her to value every moment they share.
Sure, there's nothing incorrect about cherishing your relatives, adoring your significant other, and putting in every effort for them—but ensure it goes both ways," she stated. "Ensure that you're also able to accept affection and support.
Madeline Mitchell's position focusing on women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY receives support through a collaboration with Pivotal Ventures and Journalism Funding Partners Funders do not offer editorial guidance. Contact Madeline for more information. memitchell@https://smarthealthradar2025.blogspot.com/ and @maddiemitch_ on X.
The article initially appeared on USA TODAY: Living with a chronic illness can strain a marriage. Research indicates that situations where the wife is ill tend to be more challenging.
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