Husband Insists on Unkindness: Sense & Sensitivity Takes a Hit

DEAR HARIETTE: My spouse and I have been in constant conflict for ages. He frequently addresses me as though I lack intelligence, using impolite and offensive remarks. Despite my repeated requests for him to cease such behavior, nothing changes. Additionally, when I suggested we attend couples counseling together to improve our communication skills, he declined outright.

Recently, we had a major argument when I confronted him due to his unusually rude behavior towards me; he yelled back, insisting he has no intention of changing and won’t change. Now, I'm unsure about what steps to take next. Living separately seems impossible financially, plus the thought frightens me. Given our lengthy time together, I find the idea of being alone quite daunting.--Stuck

DEAR TRAPPED: It sounds like you're experiencing emotional abuse. Seek assistance from a mental health professional immediately. Collaborate with them to address your concerns and develop a strategy for your upcoming days. Understandably, this might seem daunting, yet you have every right to receive proper treatment. Remember, even though taking steps may appear overwhelming currently, respecting yourself should always come first. Should your spouse fail to provide the necessary support, prioritize your well-being by leaving that situation. Of course, it will pose challenges, but rest assured, you possess the strength to overcome these obstacles. In case you require further guidance or sense danger, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline promptly at 1-800-799-7233.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an avid reader of your column, however, I must express that your response to “Overeater,” regarding her belief that her friend might be dealing with a food addiction, left me quite astonished.

This is what you ought to have conveyed: Offer an apology to your friend. As an adult, she holds the authority to decide her dietary preferences—or any decisions concerning herself—without interference. Her rejection of your unwanted “guidance” previously should serve as clear feedback. By labeling you as impolite, she was accurate; taking it upon yourself to act as her personal nutrition enforcer—or overseeing someone else’s routines without invitation—is indeed discourteous. Additionally, it demonstrates a level of presumption and arrogance to believe that you lack irritating tendencies or dependencies, or that others may not find cause to express concern regarding certain aspects of your behavior. Do you wish for companions to scrutinize your actions continually during gatherings? Act genuinely supportive by accepting her with all her imperfections intact, channel your efforts towards recognizing positive attributes rather than fixating on her eating habits, since these pertain solely to her private life.

Harriette, I must respectfully mention that when you concluded your response with "Try not to judge her," I exclaimed, “Why don’t you simply NOT JUDGE HER!” -- Think Again

DEAR THINK AGAIN: Thank you for providing such a stark wake-up call. This subject resonates deeply with me because of someone close to my heart battling an eating disorder for many years now. Mostly, I've kept quiet and remained steadfastly beside them, checking in just once over those years when they mentioned needing support. It wasn't until much later that they confided their struggles and began seeking assistance; at which point, I became their biggest supporter. Witnessing how damaging this situation has been physically breaks my heart as well—I wish I could have done so much more to assist. My hope lies in seeing ways we can all offer better backing without crossing boundaries. You’ve highlighted accurately where personal matters should remain private despite our concerns.

Harriette Cole is a lifestyle consultant and the creator of DREAMLEAPERS, a program aimed at assisting individuals in exploring and realizing their aspirations. Feel free to direct your queries to her. askharriette@harriettecole.com or care of Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.)

COPYRIGHT 2025, HARRIETTE COLE

COPYRIGHT 2025, HARRIETTE COLE